My friend, let's call her Cora, has recently been expressing dissatisfaction with boyfriend, Jack. There are a few things bothering her:
1) Cora doesn't like that she initiates getting together most of the time
2) Cora has a need for more quality time and Jack wants to be productive
3) Jack is uncomfortable when Cora talks about her feelings, because he believes he needs to do something to make things better.
4) Cora tends to be the more verbally effusive and physically affectionate one and does not get the amount of verbal affirmation and physical touch that she desires to feel loved.
My first reaction to Cora's situation was to think, "Well, maybe she just needs to find someone whose communication style is more compatible with hers", but then after more reflection and relationship discussion with another friend, it occurred to me that I've been in her position before. I've seen this pattern and I found a solution that didn't require ending the relationship.
Cora is an extrovert. I am an extrovert, too. It occurred to me that items 1, 2, and 4 above might be relevant to extroversion (I'll get back to 3 later). As an extrovert, I have had to get used to the fact that I will do most of the social initiation in my life, because if I don't, I simply won't get the high quantity of social interaction I desire. Most people are *not* extroverts, thus we extroverts have to do a lot of the work. I've been through the stage of feeling frustrated and resentful that I was doing a lot of initiating, but usually that had to do more with specific people. That frustration is even more intense when it happens with a romantic partner, because there's even more at stake, it would seem.
Being able to relate to Cora, I realized that she probably had a need to feel consistently wanted and I remembered that to be able to do that with a partner who is more passive and more of an introvert, it can help to set up regular times to talk or meet so you have something predictable to look forward to.
In regards to Cora wanting more quality time, I suggested that she make a concrete request for some amount of time to do specific activities together (in her case, cuddle for a couple hours a day when they were together). Making specific requests is important, otherwise a partner can't really be sure what's desired and might feel overwhelmed with the possible interpretations of a vague request. I've certainly been on that end of things and it's stressful.
A lot of the times that a partner expresses her feelings, just being heard is the most important thing. I know I've made the mistake of thinking that I had to immediately find a way to fix things when someone is expressing their feelings. I suggested to Cora that she just be explicit about wanting to vent or talk with no expectations that Jack should do anything about what she has to say. That takes pressure off of him and helps clarify her expectations for the interaction.
Having been in a relationship with someone more passive and less effusive than myself, I understand how hard it can be to feel consistently loved, but I found a few tricks to help with that. The first thing I realized is that it just gets better over time. I would have doubts, we'd have a positive interaction that made me feel happy, and the more that happened, the less I worried when she didn't talk as much. I also realized that if I was uncertain, I could try to initiate an interaction with humor or affection and if I got a positive response, I found that I would feel better. Sometimes, I even went as far as to ask for reassurance.
I hope these suggestions can help Cora get what she needs, along with any other extroverts out there.
1) Cora doesn't like that she initiates getting together most of the time
2) Cora has a need for more quality time and Jack wants to be productive
3) Jack is uncomfortable when Cora talks about her feelings, because he believes he needs to do something to make things better.
4) Cora tends to be the more verbally effusive and physically affectionate one and does not get the amount of verbal affirmation and physical touch that she desires to feel loved.
My first reaction to Cora's situation was to think, "Well, maybe she just needs to find someone whose communication style is more compatible with hers", but then after more reflection and relationship discussion with another friend, it occurred to me that I've been in her position before. I've seen this pattern and I found a solution that didn't require ending the relationship.
Cora is an extrovert. I am an extrovert, too. It occurred to me that items 1, 2, and 4 above might be relevant to extroversion (I'll get back to 3 later). As an extrovert, I have had to get used to the fact that I will do most of the social initiation in my life, because if I don't, I simply won't get the high quantity of social interaction I desire. Most people are *not* extroverts, thus we extroverts have to do a lot of the work. I've been through the stage of feeling frustrated and resentful that I was doing a lot of initiating, but usually that had to do more with specific people. That frustration is even more intense when it happens with a romantic partner, because there's even more at stake, it would seem.
Being able to relate to Cora, I realized that she probably had a need to feel consistently wanted and I remembered that to be able to do that with a partner who is more passive and more of an introvert, it can help to set up regular times to talk or meet so you have something predictable to look forward to.
In regards to Cora wanting more quality time, I suggested that she make a concrete request for some amount of time to do specific activities together (in her case, cuddle for a couple hours a day when they were together). Making specific requests is important, otherwise a partner can't really be sure what's desired and might feel overwhelmed with the possible interpretations of a vague request. I've certainly been on that end of things and it's stressful.
A lot of the times that a partner expresses her feelings, just being heard is the most important thing. I know I've made the mistake of thinking that I had to immediately find a way to fix things when someone is expressing their feelings. I suggested to Cora that she just be explicit about wanting to vent or talk with no expectations that Jack should do anything about what she has to say. That takes pressure off of him and helps clarify her expectations for the interaction.
Having been in a relationship with someone more passive and less effusive than myself, I understand how hard it can be to feel consistently loved, but I found a few tricks to help with that. The first thing I realized is that it just gets better over time. I would have doubts, we'd have a positive interaction that made me feel happy, and the more that happened, the less I worried when she didn't talk as much. I also realized that if I was uncertain, I could try to initiate an interaction with humor or affection and if I got a positive response, I found that I would feel better. Sometimes, I even went as far as to ask for reassurance.
I hope these suggestions can help Cora get what she needs, along with any other extroverts out there.
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